My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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