she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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