but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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