Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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