so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize