She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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