Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
