I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
