At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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