My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
