My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
