Just cropdusted the office
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
