If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
