mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
