Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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