She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
