Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
