I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
