i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
