I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
