It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
