Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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