Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
