You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
