I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
