Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
