we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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