my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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