Your face is a jimmy john
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
