on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
