Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
