the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
