my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
