everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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