It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
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My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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