Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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