His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
