dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
