I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
