if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She even gives head with a lisp.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
