i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
