Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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