I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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