my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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