I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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