I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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