I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
