I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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