I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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