You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
