So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
