Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
