Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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