just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
