I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
