Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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