Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The air taste purple.
Randomize
