Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
